Withholding as a Weapon in Marriage: How Couples Therapy Can Help
Marriage is often described as a partnership built on trust, communication, and shared dreams. But what happens when one partner begins to withhold not just emotionally, mentally, and even behaviorally? Withholding as a weapon in marriage is a subtle, yet powerful, form of emotional disconnection that can erode intimacy and trust over time. At 5th Corner Counseling, our goal in Couple's Therapy is to help couples identify these patterns and replace them with healthy communication and connection strategies, often using Gottman Therapy principles.
What Does Withholding Look Like?
Withholding in a marriage can take many forms. It might be refusing to share your thoughts and feelings, avoiding sex, ignoring attempts at conversation, or subtly withholding affection or support. On the surface, it may appear as “giving your partner space,” but often it’s driven by anger, resentment, or a desire to punish.
For example, imagine this scenario:
A husband comes home stressed from work and shares a concern about his day. Instead of responding, his wife remains silent, scrolls on her phone, and avoids eye contact. Over time, this pattern communicates that his thoughts and feelings are unimportant.
Or a wife brings up a recurring issue in the household, but her husband dismisses her concerns repeatedly, choosing to stay “neutral” and disengaged rather than addressing the topic.
These behaviors may seem small in isolation, but they can accumulate into a form of emotional withholding that damages the bond between partners.
Why Couples Withhold
Couples withhold for different reasons. Often, it’s a defense mechanism:
Fear of conflict: A partner may withhold to avoid an argument or because they feel unsafe expressing their feelings.
Power dynamics: Some individuals use withholding as a tool to control or manipulate the relationship.
Resentment: Past hurts or unresolved conflicts can lead someone to withhold affection, attention, or validation.
Emotional shutdown: Feeling overwhelmed, a partner may withdraw as a way to cope, though this often worsens relational tension.
Regardless of the reason, withholding sabotages the intimacy and trust that are essential in marriage.
The Gottman Approach to Withholding
At 5th Corner Counseling, we frequently utilize Gottman Therapy principles to help couples navigate destructive patterns like withholding. Drs. John and Julie Gottman have studied thousands of couples over decades and identified what they call “The Four Horsemen” criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Withholding aligns closely with stonewalling, which occurs when one partner emotionally or physically withdraws during conflict.
Stonewalling or withholding is often triggered by flooding which is a physiological response to stress where your body and brain feel unsafe and defensive. The Gottman approach teaches couples to recognize this reaction and use tools to re-engage rather than shut down.
Key Gottman Tools to Address Withholding
Softened Startup
How you bring up concerns matters. Rather than criticizing or blaming, a softened startup invites dialogue and reduces defensiveness. For instance:Instead of: “You never listen to me!”
Try: “I felt hurt when I tried to share something with you earlier and didn’t feel heard. Can we talk about it?”
A softened startup encourages openness rather than withdrawal, making it harder for withholding to take root.
The 5:1 Ratio
Gottman’s research emphasizes that stable marriages maintain a ratio of five positive interactions for every negative one. Couples often withhold affection, humor, or validation when conflicts dominate their interactions. By consciously increasing small gestures of positivity like a hug, a compliment, or a shared joke, couples can counterbalance the negative and reduce the impulse to withhold.Physiological Soothing
Because withholding often happens during emotional flooding, teaching couples to calm their bodies before engaging in difficult conversations is critical. Techniques include deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, or brief breaks during arguments. Once both partners feel regulated, they can re-enter the conversation without defaulting to withholding.Turning Towards Bids
One of the cornerstones of Gottman Therapy is recognizing and responding to “bids” for connection. A bid might be as simple as your partner saying, “I had a rough day” or making eye contact and smiling. When couples withhold, they frequently ignore these bids, creating a cycle of disconnection. Learning to turn toward bids, even small ones can rebuild intimacy and prevent the withholding trap.Repair Attempts
Repair attempts are actions or statements aimed at de-escalating tension and reconnecting during conflict. Examples include humor, gentle touch, or acknowledgment of the other person’s feelings. When couples withhold, repair attempts often go unnoticed. Gottman Therapy teaches partners to notice and respond to repair attempts to prevent stonewalling from becoming a long-term pattern.
Steps Couples Can Take Today
Even without a therapist present, there are actionable steps couples can begin implementing:
Identify the pattern: Notice when withholding happens and how it affects your partner and the relationship. Awareness is the first step.
Communicate openly: Share your feelings without blaming. Use “I” statements and softened startups.
Create safety: When conversations become heated, agree to take a brief pause to self-soothe.
Turn toward connection daily: Respond to bids, express appreciation, and invest in small gestures of kindness.
Seek professional support: Couple’s Therapy in Perrysburg or Toledo can provide guidance, accountability, and structured exercises to break withholding cycles.
Why Couples Therapy Matters
Withholding as a weapon may seem subtle, but its impact can be devastating. Over time, it fosters disconnection, resentment, and even emotional loneliness within the relationship. Gottman Therapy offers structured strategies to help couples recognize and repair these patterns before they become entrenched.
At 5th Corner Counseling, we specialize in helping couples identify destructive patterns like withholding, and rebuild intimacy, trust, and communication. Our approach is compassionate, practical, and grounded in evidence-based tools from Gottman Therapy. We work with couples to break cycles of disconnection, replace withholding with emotional engagement, and create a relationship where both partners feel heard, valued, and connected.
Final Thoughts
Withholding in marriage is a silent weapon that can slowly erode the foundation of a relationship. It’s rarely malicious, but it’s often destructive. The good news is that patterns of withholding can be recognized, addressed, and replaced with healthy communication habits.
If you find that you or your partner frequently withdraw, avoid conflict, or use silence as a way to gain control, reaching out for professional support can be transformative.
By applying principles from Gottman Therapy, couples can learn to turn toward each other, respond to bids for connection, and create a partnership where both partners feel safe, valued, and deeply connected.
If your marriage feels stuck in a cycle of withholding, know that help is available. At 5th Corner Counseling, we provide tools, exercises, and support to help couples move from withdrawal and silence to communication, connection, and lasting intimacy.
Every relationship hits rough patches. Couples counseling gives you and your partner space to talk honestly, learn better ways to communicate, and work through conflict without losing connection. It’s about understanding each other again and finding a healthier way forward—together.
5th Corner Counseling is an LGBTQ+ affirming practice.
50–55 minutes | $150 Per Session